


Richie Tozier: King Trashmouth

by demonpancake



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Coming Out, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, fuck you canon you dont own me, go richie!, idk pretend he's like 23-24, idk tags are fucking hard, richie got a netflix special, richie's standup, yes the title is a bob's burgers reference don't @ me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 07:28:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20944583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonpancake/pseuds/demonpancake
Summary: The end of Richies first Netflix special features a little story from the summer after senior year





	Richie Tozier: King Trashmouth

“I’m gonna tell you one more story tonight New York, this is the story of how my friends found out about my boyfriend and I."

I hear the cheers from the audience as the camera goes for a sweep shot across the stage. If I look down I can just barely see them in the front row. I can’t believe I convinced the whole Losers Club to come to this. 

“So I lived in a dead-end shit town growing up so the closet life presented itself as the far superior option over getting my face on a milk carton."

There was some tentative laughter for the audience. 

“Just kidding, they gay kids weren’t nearly important enough for the milk cartons, honestly I would have been lucky if I got a poster.  
“But anyway, I had some good friends, we were tight. Ya know how gay people have reclaimed the word queer and like now it’s a symbol of strength, we did that with that word loser. We were the capital L Losers club and we owned it. It was great we were all pubescent morons but we had each other.”

I look down and give my friends a little wink.

“So this entire mess started when I bought some weed from a hot senior. Twenty bucks for what I now know is the worst weed I would ever have in my life. But we were like sophomores and I was dumb so we just went with it. So it was me, Bev, Bill, Ben, Mike, Stan, and Eddie hotboxing my room when fucking Bev brings up truth or dare. We play for a while till I get the truth what celebrity would I fuck. And the weed has disconnected my mouth from my brain and I say.   
‘Well your mom isn’t famous yet, our sex tape only has about 1500 views so I’ll go for Jonny Depp.'"

The crowd loses it.

"I know about the most me way to ever come out. I'm nothing if not on brand.  
"Then Eddie, smartest guy in the room by far the fucker is a doctor now goes, ‘He’s a dude.'  
I say, ‘yeah’”

I have been told my stoner impression is spot on but when the crowd erupts in laughter I truly feel like I have perfected my art.

"So 2 years later we are done with the shit show of high school, we haven't gotten any cooler, it's 100 million degrees outside but we decided to take a road trip to New York cuz that’s what teenagers do in movies and that’s where we got all our ideas. Were going down the highway, it’s the 80's none of us have seatbelts on there are 5 people in the backseat and I'm so squished, Eddie is asleep on my shoulder his cute ass snoring like a pug when we stop at a rest stop. I gotta take a piss so bad. Stan is about to shake Eddie awake but I stop him and say, no let me do it. So two things to know about Eddie. A, he's the world's biggest germaphobe and B, he HATES nicknames with a passion. So I got as close to his face as I could and said  
"EDDIE SPAGHETTI!" But I was so close to his face and the skinny fucker was so startled as he sat us our lips hit and we fucking kissed in the back of Mikes's pickup with everyone watching."

Everyone died laughing and just when they started to quiet down I continue,

"And that, Ladies Gentlemen and others, was honest to god, my first kiss. I was a closet case in upstate Maine the eligible bachelors weren't exactly lining up and all I ever did was make I fucked your mom jokes I wasn’t really a likable kid.

"When their initial shock and following hysterical laughter died down, Eddie, ever the smartass said, 'Welp I'm gonna go gargle with hand sanitizer, be right back.' And just walked off! Fucking maniac. Now is probably a good time to mention that 6th grade me had decided it was a good idea to have a thing for the tiny, nerdy, hypochondriac and 18 year old me had not lost that little tidbit so I was about fake my own death, change my name to Herald and become an Icelandic sheepherder. But I didn't like sheep and couldn't afford a plane ticket so I figured I'd just stick it out till the end of the trip. 

"So we get to the hotel and divide into groups for the 3 bedrooms. We did this a lot at each other's houses growing up, we all knew the arrangement. It had been the same since 9th grade. Bev and Ben together so they could make out or fuck to their horny teenaged heart's content. Stan, Bill, and Mike together because Mike always had to be up early for work and Stan and Bill are just grandpas. Those dues would be out like a light at like 10 o'clock! Then Eddie and I together so we could stay up till 3 am talking about comic books. The method works. So its 2 o'clock in the morning and we are just chatting sharing a bottle of tequila we stole from my dad when Eds drops this fucking bomb. 'Hey you're gay right?'"

I give Eddie a look in the audience. Everyone else is laughing but he's just shaking his head, he knows how this one ends. 

"The genius I am I reply, 'Yep, I exclusively steal gay porno magazines. You?' Then little Eddie grabs the bottle from me takes the biggest fucking chug I have ever seen and replies, 'Same' That Eds for ya, straight to the point.

"So you guys are getting absolutely no more details about what went down that night,"

There are a few whoops from the audience.

"But the next day we get up, throw on clothes, and head out to the kitchen for breakfast with the gang. And this is New York in the summer it's hot as the devils' sweaty ass so we were all wearing like tee-shirts and shorts I had a Hawaiian shirt on because I am not one of those stylish gays." 

I have to pause for laughter shooting a quick smile as Eds before finishing.

"So we are just chatting eating toast and jam we brought with as because we were all broke as shit when Bev looks over at me with the evilest fucking smirk and, I swear to god, she points at me and says, 'Hey Richie, I think you got some jam on your neck. I see a purple mark.' Everyone watches as I try to rub it off, and they see, clear as day, a mother fucking hickey. Stan looks over, so fucking smug and says, 'Didn't notice that yesterday.' The five of them look from me to Eddie then back to me then back to Eddie, until finally, Bill says, 'Well thank god we gave them their own room.' 

"So the moral of the story, no matter where you go, no matter how hot it will be, if you take a trip with friends, and if you have even the most remote chance of getting lucky, bring a fucking turtleneck. 

Thank you New York Goodnight!"

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)  
Congrats if you found a spelling or grammar error that wasn't for the sake of the tone. You get 5 points!


End file.
